Menu Plan Monday - Week of March 10th

Time to get back on the meal planning bandwagon.  The last several weeks I have actually been meal planning, but it's been pretty flexible because we've been trying to find our new rhythm (not that we've actually found it, but I suppose things are settling down a little :) ) so we've been stretching leftovers, eating some from the freezer, we've had friends bring us meals, which was really nice, and yes, there have been take out nights too!  Now it's time to get back to meal planning and really stick to it!

This weekend we were graced with some beautiful weather.  Sunday was definitely the nicest day we've had in a very long time and when you get to experience a nice day after the long months of winter it just makes it that much more awesome!  Saturday we headed to the park and Sunday we enjoyed some outside time as well as open windows welcoming some fresh air into the house!

Too bad we're back to end of winter weather the rest of the week, but this weekend brought the promise of spring.  It will be here soon! 


Sunday:  Grilling weather while it's still winter?  Yes, please!  Chipotle-Inspired Chicken Burritos

Monday:  Bourbon Chicken with Brown Rice and Broccoli

Tuesday:  Enchilada Pasta Casserole

Wednesday:  Sweet Potato Chili (Crock Pot) with Cornbread

Thursday:  Salisbury Steaks with Mushroom Gravy with Mashed Potatoes and Green Beans

Friday:  Homemade Pizza

Saturday:  Leftovers/Out


I'm linked at Menu Plan Monday hosted by OrgJunkie.com

Over it

That's it.  We're throwing in the towel on potty training! 

It's taken 6 full days of full, daytime potty training for us to realize that this just isn't going to work out right now.  I approached potty training all along with the mindset that just like everything else it was developmental and not something that we could force.  I planned to take a very hands-off approach and let Jack dictate when he was ready.  Maybe that's not the approach that everyone believes is correct, but it felt right for us. 

Recently, I really did think that perhaps he was ready.  It wasn't 100% clear to me, but there were signs so I thought it was a possibility.  OF COURSE we're ready for him to be done with diapers and somehow, my thinking quickly evolved from 'maybe we'll take this whole thing for a test drive to see how he does and maybe he's actually ready and it'll happen', to 'I'm ready so it has to happen now'!  Other parents are seemingly able to make their kids use the potty, so why can't we? 

Well, let me tell you, this is not something which can be forced.  Or at least not with all kids.  Not with my kid.  Maybe some kids respond better to their parents attempts, or maybe they're ready in their own way when the attempt is made, but I can tell you that it's definitely not something that can be forced with my kid.  I wish I would have just heeded my own instincts (what is the one piece of advice I always give new parents?  Listen to your instincts!  This approach has served me so well over the last 3 years, I don't know why I chose to ignore it now!) and given up on this situation days ago. 

And I know why I didn't listen to my instincts.  It's a combination of me wanting it to happen, not wanting to admit that everything we've been dealing with for the last 6 days has been for naught, him being SO close and knowing that one of these times it's just going to "click", and that outside pressure that I mentioned before.  This somehow equated to my thinking diverging from 'it'll happen when it happens' to 'it's my job to make it happen and if I can't make it happen I'm not doing my job'! 

But thank goodness, we only wasted 6 days putting us all through unnecessary stress before realizing that this is just like anything else.  It can't be rushed and Jack has to be on board.  We didn't spend days or weeks intensively teaching him to walk.  He had to work that out on his own.  We didn't spend days or weeks trying to force him to talk.  He had to work that out on his own.  We actually did try pretty hard to teach him how to eat as he was on the later side with that, but you know what?  Still something that had to evolve and he had to work out on his own! 

The only thing we could do in those situations was to support him through the process and provide him with the opportunity to do it and you know what?  Despite any worry that went towards those milestones and others, it all worked itself out.  I'm realizing the same is true for potty training.  It's not something you can *make* them do and while you know that on an intellectual level it doesn't stop you from madly googling all sorts of potty training topics for day and days trying to figure out how to do just that, make it happen!  You can't!  And that is why there are so many "right" ways to do this and so many conflicting opinions.  It all goes back to every child is different and every child is going to be ready for it at a different time. 

With the dawning of this realization, or really a return to my original thinking, which ever way you want to look at it, we're finally going to stop the torture!  Not one of us have enjoyed these past 6 days and there have been tears from both Jack and I. 

Our situation is not a power struggle.  It's not because he doesn't want to do it, or is choosing not to, it's because he *can't*.  As I said before, he has the control piece and he has the understanding of the general process.  He very much does not want to have accidents in his pants, but something is stopping him from being able to release into the potty.  This translates into him holding his pee for unnaturally long times and getting extremely anxious and frustrated when he gets to the point where he just CAN'T hold it any longer.  It is incredibly difficult to watch him go through this process.  And we're to the point where I'm genuinely concerned about potential negative impacts - both mental and physical. 

Something just isn't there yet, and I came to this realization after spending the vast majority of 3 hours earlier today trying to get him to pee in the potty.  I started making him sit on the potty (which he will do as long as we don't give him an option and keep him entertained while he is there) as soon as I could tell he needed to pee, but hours (with intermittent, but short breaks) spent entertaining him on the potty (which is incredibly taxing.  Trying to stay upbeat and positive and use all my creativity to keep him relaxed and sitting there isn't as easy as it may sound) he still hadn't peed.  It *finally* happened when he got to the point that he couldn't hold still because he had to go so badly and was visibly upset.  I again forced him to sit on the potty and amidst tears his bladder finally released while he happened to be on the potty. 

He earned the damn Hot Wheels car that we've been trying to bribe him with for days and he accepted my excitement, but I could tell.  I could just tell that it wasn't something that he did.  It was an involuntary action that I timed well. 

We've been continuing this potty training pursuit hoping that if we somehow managed to get him to pee in the potty a few times he would become more comfortable with it, but getting to that point is nearly impossible.  This wasn't something he was comfortable with or something that he wanted to repeat and that wasn't going to change regardless of the reward we presented him with or how excited I was or how many times we did this.  It's brutally difficult watching Jack struggle with this when I know he would do it if he could and I'm tired of putting that pressure on him and unwilling to continue it any further.  I only wish I had come to this realization a few days ago and saved us all some frustration and stress. 

So for now we'll put him back in diapers full time.  This is just not important enough to justify what we're going through to try to achieve it. We'll try again, but I can tell you that next time we try we won't be spending 6 days forcing the issue with no improvement.  I'm not sure if we'll wait a while and put him back in underwear to see what happens, or if we'll try to wait for some sign from him that he's ready (hopefully!).  I hope he's ready soon, I just wish we knew what kind of timeline we're facing so we could all just sit back and relax and wait!

Potty Training

I've discovered the tenth circle of Hell.  It's potty training a three-year-old.  I'm not sure what we as parents have done to deserve this purgatory, but we're here.

I posted several months back contemplating the topic of potty training.  Leading up to that I had already spent so much brain power just trying to figure out where/what/when/how to address potty training and since then we have intensively been working on introducing the topic.  Well, as intensively as you can without totally forcing the issue.

We have watched videos and shows, read countless books (over and over again, Jack actually really enjoys potty books), picked out big boy underwear, talked about the big boy underwear, talked about the potty, let Jack shadow us while using the potty, talked about all the people we know (real and imaginary, and in fact, not completely people, like Thomas the train and Daniel Tiger) who use the potty. 

I have come to discover that it's no wonder I'm so confused about potty training despite feeling fairly educated on the topic because you've got "experts" on one side saying if you're kid isn't potty trained by 18-months you're lazy more than anything and that waiting until the child is ready is a bunch of made up modern day parenting hooey.  There are "experts" on the other side who say don't even try to potty train before the kid is really ready even if this commonly means the child will be somewhere between 3- and 4-years-old for fear of creating long term physical and mental problems by forcing the issue before its time.

All of this conflicting "expert" advice has left my head spinning and me feeling like we've pretty much ruined the poor child before we've even started the process.  Helpful.

Added to that, I've started to feel this outside pressure.  Not pressure in the sense that other kids around his age are potty training so he has to too, because I recognize that every child is different, but pressure in the sense that what if now is the time and I miss the sweet spot?  What if we've pushed it this long and pushing it even longer will only make it increasingly harder?  Also, there's some sense there (likely mostly imagined) that I'm not doing a good enough job as a mother if I can't get my child potty trained by a "reasonable" time.  Or at least TRIED it.  I feel like my hands-off approach was starting to make me look lazy, or disinterested, or even neurotic, which certainly is not the case.

It's hard when you don't know the best way to approach something as important as this because all I want is to make this learning process as easy as possible on everyone involved.  If that means doing it now, I'll do it.  If it means waiting, I'll wait.  If it means cleaning up accidents for weeks to yield the best results I'll do that too!  Whatever, I just want my kid successfully potty trained without any physical or mental damage and as a bonus it sure would be nice if my sanity was also intact by the end of it all.

Right around the time of Molly's arrival (of course!) Jack started showing some signs of potty training readiness.  I had always wanted to "wait until he was ready" (whatever that means), but was at the same time afraid of "missing the window" (whatever that means).

So once things settled down a little bit (and Mark was still blessedly home to help with the process) we decided that we would just put Jack in underwear and see what happened.  We figured it would be apparent pretty quickly if he was ready for this whole thing.

Over the weekend we talked to Jack about how on Monday he was going to start using the big boy potty.  We had picked out a potty seat long ago, but he hadn't wanted to touch the thing with a 10-foot pole.  He had, however, voluntarily sat on it recently, which was part of the readiness signs.  We told him he was going to get to wear his fun big boy underwear (which we've also had for a while, but he hasn't wanted to wear) and it was going to be so much fun!  Surprisingly, the times we brought it up he seemed unusually interested so I thought, hey, maybe we're on to something.  Maybe he really IS ready and this is going to be great!

Motivation in hand, when Jack woke up Monday morning we promptly removed his night time diaper and put on his big boy underwear explaining to him that he needed to use the potty, otherwise his pants were going to get wet and we went on our way.

A little while later he inevitably had an accident.  He wasn't upset to the point of crying or anything, but he wasn't happy that his pants were wet.  That's fine, we said, it was just an accident.  Next time you'll put your pee pee in the potty and your pants won't get wet!  We changed his pants and went on our way.

A little while later he had a second accident and we repeated the process.

After those first two accidents he hasn't had any more full on accidents like that.  But he also isn't going on the potty.  What he's now choosing to do is hold his urine until he is at the point of exploding and then one of two things happens a) it's bed/nap time and he gets his diaper put on so he goes then, or b) a little bit leaks out relieving the pressure just enough that he can hang in until a diaper is produced.

Yesterday he had not. one. accident. (small or large) the entire day.  Pants and underwear totally clean and dry.  He even got quite a bit in the potty at one point, but that was actually because we timed a potty trip for one of the times when he just couldn't possibly hold it in any longer and amongst tears some finally made it into the potty.  HOW did this kid hold his urine all day long like that?  He of course was able to relieve himself at naptime in a diaper and at bedtime in a diaper.  He also finally had a bowel movement after holding it all week, which was quite concerning.  

So, to recap, yes, he will sit on the potty if we force the issue.  No, he will not pee in the potty.  No, he does not like his pants to be wet and avoids it at all costs.  He's actually rather upset when he has an accident because he just can't control it any longer.  But NO, he will NOT pee in the potty.  I don't even want to think about #2.

He has the necessary control (that's extremely obvious).  He has the understanding of the process.  He does not want to have accidents in his pants.  But he's too scared to do anything on the potty and I don't know how to get him past that without him actually GOING in the potty to see that it's okay and it actually makes you feel better!

Bribes Rewards have not worked.  Timed potty breaks have not worked.  Letting him dictate potty breaks (which means just not going to the potty) has not worked.  All of those results have yielded a kid who "potty dances" around the house for more than 1 1/2 hours rather than letting his bladder release in either his pants or on the potty.

I'm at a complete loss.  Jack has been in underwear full-time during the day (except for nap and bedtime) since Monday and I feel like despite being SO close we're not going anywhere and it's nothing more than torture for all of us. 

On one hand I feel like backing off might be the answer.  Let's discontinue the whole process and revisit it in the future in hopes that something will change between now and then and he will suddenly be okay with the process.

On the other hand, we've all put so much time and energy into this process and we're SO close.  Maybe he needs the exposure to the process in order to become comfortable with it and maybe continuing on is the best thing we can do to get him over this hump even though it's difficult for all of us right now.

I really, really don't know the answer and I don't think I've ever been so educated, yet so clueless on a parenting topic before.  

If anyone has experienced a kid who was scared to use the potty (and I'm not talking about using the potty itself, I'm talking about actually peeing in the potty) and was able to successfully get past it, I'm all ears!

Jack - 3 years old!

Jack is 3-years-old.  THREE!

For some reason that just seems so mature to me.  He's a little boy now, a baby no longer!

I've found this age to be great and not-so-great all at once.  We've both done a lot of growing over the last year.

We had Jack's birthday at a local playplace this year.

Watching him grow and develop?  Awesome.  Seeing his personality really shaping up, having conversations with him, witnessing his imagination starting to really show,  all full of greatness.  Testing boundaries, testing boundaries, and let's just throw it in there once more, testing boundaries, that's the not so great.

I've definitely found this stage the hardest yet.  I just feel so clueless sometimes.  I mean, the whole goal of parenting is to raise a well adjusted, happy, productive member of society, right?  But I'm fairly certain this time, right now, is when some people start down the path to becoming an ax murder and an ax murderer for a son, I do not want!

We kept things as simple as possible bringing in a couple dry snacks and cupcakes and getting pizza, pop, and salad provided by the place where we hosted the party.

Yes, this is what's going through my head when we're talking about the same. things. for the thousandth time.  Shouldn't he know he can't do this by now?  Clearly I'm not parenting effectively, but what the heck should I be doing differently?!  Parenting should be a degree offered in higher education because I certainly need further study.

Having a 3-year-old has tested my sanity and determination and strength the way nothing else ever has and when I say being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done in my 26 years I'm not over-exaggerating that.  Parenting is a mind game if nothing else and your kids live to push your sanity to the limit.  That's why they're all sugar and spice.  They push and push and push until you're sure you can't do this parenting thing for one more minute without ruining both of you, but then they snatch you right back from the edge of crazy by doing something so cute and sweet that you just can't stand it!

Parenthood: a lesson in extremes.

Well, the good news is we've both survived 3 years now with our sanity (mostly) in tact.

All drama aside, Jack really is at a very fun age.  We can have conversations now.  Like, real, whole conversations using complete sentences.  When did this happen?!  A few weeks before Christmas it's like he just woke up one day speaking proper sentences and just understand things so much more.  That's the point where I think he really became a 3 year old.  When I look back at his language development over the last year it's just mind boggling.  At his 2nd birthday he wasn't talking much at all.  He definitely had a good grasp on words, but I don't think he was really doing much more than very small phrases, if that.  Now?  Whole conversations!  It's no wonder he slept like crap all summer.  There was a lot going on in that little head!

He's still really into cars and trucks and pretty much anything that moves (surprise!).  Jack has quite a few little monster trucks and he likes to line them all up and set up his crunch cars to play Monster Jam (which is also one of his favorite things to watch).  He makes them jump and drive around and emulates the announcers and sometimes he pretends that the trucks get broken like on TV.    He's also pretty into Thomas the Train right now and even sings the theme song.  He drives so many miles on his knees that I'm sure he's going to wear holes through every pair of pants he owns.  He's already done so with at least 3 pairs and several more are well on their way.  Good thing the worn in look is in style, yes?   

He loves reading and has several books memorized.  You'll hear him over the monitor when he wakes up in the morning or when he's having quiet time "reading" books to himself.  It's so adorable I just can't stand it.   My Truck is Stuck is among his favorites and he loves to act out the story with his cars and trucks while reciting the story.  Love!

We read so often that he's so excited when he gets new books to read!  He loves visiting the library and picking out books and when I make a quick stop on my own to pick/up drop off books I usually try to pick out at least one book to bring home to him because he just enjoys it so much.  It's definitely a treat to him and one of his favorite things.

Something he has started doing recently is singing songs.  Most often it's songs he has heard on shows or movies, but he sometimes just makes up his own, which is just as adorable as it sounds.  He has known his ABCs for a while, and that's still a favorite.  He really started singing songs right around Christmas because he liked songs like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and Jingle Bells.

Jack did a good job blowing on his candles this year, but still needed a little help to get the job done!

He knows all of his letters by sight and has for quite a while now.  We're working on matching sounds to letters.  He also mostly knows his numbers 1-9 by sight.  We're still working on this as it seems that there isn't as much opportunity for seeing them/talking about them as there is with letters.  He's proficient at counting to 15 and we're working on getting to 20, but he frequently just likes to stop after 15.  He knows all his colors.  For some reason he often confused yellow and orange until recently, but I think he has that worked out now!

He had a ton of fun at his party!  He was talking about it for days afterwards and asking to go back!

So, quiet time.  Yeah.  This has been quite the transition.  Over the summer he was sleeping very poorly.  I knew he was going through a big developmental period and I'm sure that's what was causing the problem, but it didn't stop me from cursing the heavens and wondering my my kid would. not. sleep. fortheloveofallthat'sholy!  Yes, I desperately need him to sleep so that I can sleep (see aforementioned needing sanity to remain in tact.  My level of patience is directly correlated to the amount of sleep I get at night.).

Towards the end of the year, his night sleeping really did improve, but he seems to be transitioning out of naps completely.  And what a fun transition it is!  (sarcasm, don't parent a toddler without it.)  Of course the problem is that although he really doesn't seem to need a nap every day there are some days when he does and he just really can't make it clear til bedtime without a nap.  Enter: quiet time.  When he started to leave naps behind it was quickly apparent that he still needed some sort of rest time.  He needed the opportunity to sleep if he was able to, and at least some down time, if not.  Plus, momma needs a little break during the day to regroup and prepare for the rest of the afternoon/evening.   Jack has never been one to sit quietly for an extended period of time watching TV, and definitely doesn't fall asleep anywhere but his bed.

He (not so) patiently waited nearly 24 hours to enjoy his cake!  He kept asking if it was time to eat the cupcakes while I was making them.

When I first recognized the need for rest time Jack was still in a crib.  He would just stand in there, throwing his menagerie of animals and blankets out of his crib screaming for me over and over.  It was not relaxing for anyone involved.  Shortly thereafter we transitioned him to a toddler bed (his crib breaks down into a toddler bed).  I was dreading this process and we kept putting it off, putting it off, until finally, right around Christmas, we took the plunge.  And you know what?  It was no big deal.  He transitioned just fine.

He participated for a little while in opening gifts this year, but didn't make it through them all.  Too much playing to be done!  He loved exploring all of his gifts once we made it home though.  Side note: The little girl in pink next time him?  Party crasher.  She wandered in towards the end of the party.  Guess Jack's birthday party was the place to be!

Anyway, back to quiet time.  Once we put him in the toddler bed he had access to the rest of his room.  This was scary.  Early attempts at quiet time resulted in him being angry in his room, getting into trouble in the form of kind of tearing things apart, and the like.  But we stuck with it because it was important for both of us.  When we could tell he was doing something he shouldn't we went into his room, told him no, explained again that he was supposed to be resting and that he could read books if he wanted to.  We also tried to end quiet time in a reasonable amount of time and to go get him when he was actually being quiet/resting if it was at all possible so we could reinforce to him that this is what we were looking for.

Eventually, maybe a week or two later?  Quiet time was really quiet time.  Now he goes in his room, we go through his usual bedtime routine of reading 3 books, laying down, getting covered up, giving kisses and saying goodnight, and then when he doesn't sleep (much more often than not) he just kind of hangs out back there.  He sings and talks to himself and reads books and after about an hour (unless we can tell he's getting very restless, which is a recipe for disaster) we go get him and tell him what a good job he did with quiet time.  Or at least this is how it goes a lot of days.  He still has days where he tries to rebel.  Hopefully this will continue!  Who can't use a little rest mid-day?  Nobody, that's who.

Grilled cheese and sweet potato fries.  Always a favorite!

I feel like his eating has improved over this last year.  There's still a lot of room for improvement, but he's much more apt to try new things now than he was several months ago.  I hear the picky toddler stage eventually improves.  Despite being somewhat restrictive he does eat a decent variety of things.  He's still not big on eating meat, but sometimes he'll surprise us with what he will eat.  One thing he does tend to like quite a bit is meatloaf.  We're getting there.  He still only drinks water.  I even let him try some hot chocolate after playing in the snow a few weeks ago and he didn't care for it.  Ah well, water is best for him anyway!

Jack has transitioned very well into being a big brother.  Of course I was worried about what his reaction would be to getting a little sibling, but to be honest, I wasn't as nervous about it as one would think only because I know Jack.  He's pretty laid-back and accepting.  Plus, it doesn't hurt that he's rather interested in little ones even allowing for the fact that it's different when that little one is permanently living in your house!  He's still fairly uninterested in Molly, but that's to be expected as she doesn't yet have much to contribute to their relationship.  He is concerned about her and he does pay her some sporadic attention and sometimes likes to help care for her by carrying bottles or overseeing a diaper change.  I'm confident that this ongoing transition will eventually yield a good sibling relationship between them and I can't wait to watch it evolve.  Jack is a great big brother!

On Jack's actual birthday we celebrated by playing at an inflatable playland.

Another favorite of Jack's is playing with other kids.  He loves to get together with kids from our playgroup and frequently requests to "see friends".  He just loves being around other people his age and he'll happily play with kids younger as well as older than him.  He just loves to be on the go and at least once a day everyday requests to go somewhere in the car.

And followed up with lunch at Panera, like last year!

Speaking of the car, another milestone for Jack is riding forward-facing in the car.  When he was about 2 months shy of 3-years-old his convertible car seat expired and we needed to get a new seat for him.  We decided to go with a Graco Nautilus, which is forward-facing only, but is a 3-in-1 seat with extended 5-point harnessing so it should last us a long while.  I was hoping to make it until at least 3-years-old before turning him, but considering the circumstances it was time. He loves facing-forward so much because he can see everything!  He was content to be rear-facing just because that's all he knew, but now, he can see the world!  He spends all of our car rides just chattering away about all the vehicles he sees and asking about what all the street signs say.  Now, if I could just get him to understand that it's hard for me to hear him upfront so he needs to speak up if he wants me to be able to fully understand what he's saying!

Another great year has passed and I might just survive the whole toddler stage after all :)


Finally!  It only took me 6 days to finish this post and get it up!  I guess that's what happens when you have a 5-week-old baby who needs attention round the clock!

Molly - 1 month old

So, my freshly baked newborn babe?  Turned 1-month-old nearly a week ago now.

I can't believe how quickly that first month went!

But, then again.  Jack turned 3-years-old just today and WOW!  Did 3 years go by quickly!  I've definitely found that time seems to go by a lot faster now that I have kids.

Miss Molly has been very, very kind to us.  I don't think we could have asked for a better transition to a family of four and I owe that ease to both of my kids.  First, Molly is a dream baby.  I thought Jack was an easy to average baby, but Molly is definitely in the easy category.

First bath - 2 weeks

Tummy time!

Most importantly to any newborn parent - she sleeps!  She never seemed to have her days and nights confused (surprising!) so has always slept for decent stretches at night.  She's getting up 1 to 2 times overnight and has since she arrived home from the hospital, but she has always just wanted to eat and go back to sleep.  I don't think it gets much better than that starting out!

 Overall she just has a very sweet, content disposition and I can't wait to see how her little personality develops over time.

Jack is doing wonderfully as a big brother.  For the first few days he was certain that Molly was actually his 3-month-old cousin Rilynn.  Then he realized that no, this was a different baby and that she was staying at our house permanently, but thankfully he took it in stride.  90% of the time he completely ignores her, which I don't blame him for.  It's not like a weeks old baby has much to offer a 3-year-old little boy!  But the other times, when he does acknowledge her as a person, he's pretty sweet with her.  Obviously we're still undergoing this whole transition, but so far it has gone very smoothly.  He hasn't seemed jealous, or really effected by it too much overall.  I think it really helps having Mark home.  Although there are times when he wants to sit with me or something when he'll say, "please put Molly down".  It's pretty cute, and at least he asks nicely!

First social smiles - 5 weeks

Of course it's still very early, but I have to say I feel like, for me, the transition from 1 to 2 kids was easier than going from no kids to 1.  Not that the first one was especially hard, but it certainly turned my world on its head!  I feel like we've eased right in to having 2 little ones.  Obviously we're still exploring our new normal, but overall I just think it's been easier because I'm already a mom.  We still have a long road ahead of us though so we'll see how it all shakes out! 

For now, I'm very much enjoying all the baby snuggles.  I'm all too aware of how quickly this sweet little baby stage flies by!  


1 month stats:

     Weight: 9lbs 1oz (50th percentile)
     Length:  21 inches (50th percentile)
     Head Circumference: 15 inches (75th percentile)


Of note this month:

Molly lost her umbilical cord 1 day shy of 2-weeks-old and had her first real bath soon after.  She cried during her first bath, but didn't cry for her 2nd!  She also stopped crying during diaper changes a week or so ago.

We did have some trouble with her belly button healing.  As I said, she lost her cord around 2 weeks, which is totally normal.  We put her into cloth diapers once she lost her cord (which come up over her belly button unlike the disposable diapers we were using) and we noticed that her belly button just seemed to not have healed all the way.  It was oozing a little bit of liquid and was poking out quite a bit, kind of like an outie, but it didn't look like a healed outie belly button would.  Because it didn't seem infected or anything we decided to put her back in disposables for a little bit to see what her belly button would do in case the cloth diapers covering it were irritating the situation, and it definitely wasn't allowing it to stay dry. 

Over about a week's time her belly button healed up on its own.  I don't know why it didn't heal in the first place, but the cloth diapers rubbing it and keeping the area damp definitely didn't help anything.  It was totally healed up by her 4th week and the pediatrician checked it out at her 1 month appointment and says it looks just fine, thank goodness!  And she's back in cloth :) 

Breastfeeding is totally done now.  We were trucking along doing both breast- and formula-feeding, but when Molly hit 3 weeks she just stopped latching.  I assume drinking from a bottle so often just undermined her natural instinct to latch.  I had mixed feelings about it.  I was sad that it was over, but at the same time I expected it. 

I was also kind of glad to just move on because even though I was glad to give her breastmilk while I could (and to the extent that I could) it was pretty stressful because every time she latched it was like, is there milk there?  Is this the last time we'll nurse?  When she didn't latch (because even while things were going well with her going back and forth between breast and bottle there would be an occasional feeding when I just couldn't get her to latch for whatever reason.  I assume to a certain extent she already knew that the bottle was coming if she bypassed the breast.) it was really sad because I didn't know if it was just over at that point or if it would work the next time we tried.  Plus it's just hard knowing that I couldn't provide what I needed for her and every short nursing session we had that had to be followed up with formula was a stark reminder that I wasn't able to get the job done.  I really wish that we had been able to continue nursing for longer, but I am at least glad that we were able to do it for 3 weeks.  Now we start down the very long path of exclusive formula-feeding :/

Breastfeeding 2.0

Oooh, breastfeeding.  You and I, we're not friends.

It's no secret that Jack's and my breastfeeding relationship did not go well.  I went into it thinking that breastfeeding was a totally natural process and it just happened.  Well, it doesn't quite work like that.  I quickly discovered the learning curve involved, but then real problems developed when I didn't produce milk like I was supposed to.  It never even entered my mind that we would have problems, I didn't realize it was possible, to be honest, so it was a big surprise when it didn't work.  After struggling for 2 weeks and dealing with Jack needing to take formula, but not wanting a bottle, we switched exclusively to formula feeding when it was apparent my milk supply was never going to "come in".

This time, we went into breastfeeding with eyes wide open.  We were very hopeful that my experience last time was isolated and it would go differently this time around.  I REALLY wanted breastfeeding to work for us and part of the reason that I was working so hard for a VBAC, and hopefully an unmedicated one, is because I wanted the best start possible (well, in general too) to kick off our breastfeeding relationship.

In the hospital, right from the start, we did all the right things.  Molly latched on and nursed less than an hour after birth.  During our hospital stay I literally had her skin-to-skin or latched on nearly the entire time.  The only time she wasn't was if someone else was visiting with her or if they took her for a quick test.  Other than that, snuggled on my chest or nursing.  Luckily, she has a very strong sucking reflex (she's much more into sucking than I remember Jack being.  Her hands are constantly in her mouth and she's already sucking on her thumb quite a bit) so she was perfectly content to nurse, nurse, nurse.

I know she got colostrum the first couple of days.  We saw a lactation consultant each day we were in the hospital and she was able to manually express some colostrum (she's magical!  I wasn't able to do this.  I am not skilled in the ways.) so I know it was there.  Molly had way more than the required number of wet and dirty diapers the first day she was born.  The second day she was still ahead of the game with wet and dirties.  The third day she drastically slowed down.

Her birth weight was 8lbs 11oz.  By day 2 she had lost several ounces... I'm thinking she was down to just over 8lbs, but I don't remember specifically.  She had lost less than 10% of her body weight, so it was still within the realm of normal (I *think* at that point she was at like 9% lost).  By day 3 she was down a full pound.  Her discharge weight was 7lbs 11oz (down ~11% of birth weight).  The nurses were in contact with our pediatrician to see what they thought about the weight loss and unlike last time (where we were advised to start supplementing with formula in the hospital.  Although, the circumstances were a little different.  The weight loss was similar, but Jack was not happy at the breast.  He would latch-unlatch-cry-latch-unlatch-cry.  Molly was content to just continue to suckle even if she wasn't getting much of anything) they advised us to wait through the weekend to see if my milk would come in (it was still early, both my OB and the lactation consultant at the hospital had said it could very well take 5-7 days for my milk to come in post-surgery) and then come in for a visit with them Monday morning.

Hearing that she had lost a full pound was really hard for me.  I cried.  I was so frustrated because at that point I just knew we were headed down the same road.  It was the same experience as last time and there was nothing additional I could do about it. 

Over the weekend we nurse, nurse, nursed and hoped that one morning I would wake up and the breastmilk fairy would have visited.  Again, if she was willing to latch on, she was there.  She would constantly fall asleep at the breast so we were trying to keep her awake and actively suckling for 20 mins per side.  Still no increase in milk.

By Monday I still hadn't had any noticeable changes with my breasts.  We went to our office visit and Molly weighed in at 7lbs 6oz (at this point she had lost ~15% of her birth weight) in addition to lacking adequate wet and dirty diapers.  At that point the pediatrician recommended formula supplementation.  So we nursed and supplemented with a little syringe and that day I made an appointment to meet with another lactation consultant.     

Last Wednesday we went back to the pediatrician's office for a weight check and Molly was back up to 7lbs 10oz.  Yay!  They want at least a 1oz gain per day and she was doing great at 2oz per day.  The doctor said, "so I take it your milk has come in?".  Nope.

Later that day I met with the LC.  She checked out my technique and Molly's latch, both were great.  Molly latches well, sucks well, doesn't have a tongue tie or anything else that would cause problems with breastfeeding.  I physically look fine.  We discussed my past experience and my experience this time.  We went over possible red flag circumstances which could cause milk production issues (things like breast surgery or PCOS, etc.) and I don't fit any of those factors.  We stripped Molly down to a dry diaper and the LC weighed her with a special, sensitive scale, had me nurse on one side, weighed her again, nursed on the other side, weighed her again and found that she got 2/3 of an ounce after she emptied my breasts.  That's not enough milk :/  AND this is my milk production on the maximum recommended amount of Fenugreek supplements per day and drinking Mother's Milk Tea. 

All things considered the LC believes that I either have insufficient glandular tissue or the hormones aren't working properly.  Either way it's not something that can really be "fixed" and bottom line, I'm not making an adequate amount of milk even though I'm doing everything right.  GAH!  So tired of hearing that things aren't going to work out despite doing everything the way it's supposed to be done! 

We discussed a plan of action and the LC recommended that for a week we nurse (and during that time I only nurse for the time when she's actually getting milk rather than comfort sucking because I'm to the point where my nipples are cracked and bleeding and we have to get them healed!  She showed me what to look for and also how to massage the ducts to make sure she's getting everything.  I was surprised to discover that non-productive/comfort sucking actually doesn't stimulate additional milk production the way productive sucking does.), then supplement with formula, then I follow each feeding with pumping for 10 minutes to make sure I'm definitely empty and to hopefully stimulate additional milk production.

We've been doing this, but unfortunately I haven't seen any improvement.  Frustratingly enough, it seems that I'm making even less milk.  I could be wrong about that, but Molly seems to be productively nursing for less time and sometimes I end up just pumping instead of actually nursing (the way we're feeding her takes quite a bit of time so sometimes it ends up that the amount of time that has passed by the time I get a chance to pump ends up with a missed feeding, if that makes sense) and I'm getting less and less from the pump now.  I know that nursing is far more effective than pumping, but I can't see a reason that I shouldn't expect to see the same/more milk if I was continuing to make the same amount of milk or more.

I don't know.  We're going to stick with it and see what happens after a week.  I said that because Molly doesn't seem to mind going back and forth between breast and bottle the way Jack did that I would try to do a hybrid of breast- and formula-feeding if I could produce milk on my own.  I can't keep up with the nurse-bottle feed-pump routine for obvious reasons, but if I can just put her to breast and she'll get something that's okay, but I feel like it's not even looking like that's going to happen at this point.

So frustrating.  My body just isn't cooperating with anything right now.  Also, something like 5% of women can't produce milk.  WHY do I have to be part of that 5%?!  I mean really...



I wrote this post last week and I'm just getting around to posting it now so I thought I would update with how things have played out so far.  

We did the nurse-formula feed-pump thing for about half a week.  After that I was just so sick of the whole process (it's just so involved.  Basically, to feed my kid, I was utilizing every technique out there.  Most moms either bottle feed, nurse, or pump.  I was doing all of them, all day long.  With a newborn.  And a toddler.  And while healing from surgery.  Do you know how much time that takes?  All of it!  Oy, it was just too much and was enough to make me want to throw in the towel on breastfeeding completely and just switch exclusively to formula-feeding.  

When I met with the LC last Wednesday she had said not to drive myself crazy with this protocol and if it got to the point where I was starting to hate the whole thing to stop.  I was getting to that point so I stopped.  I don't regret it because it didn't seem to be making a difference.  It's obvious to me at this point that I'm never going to have a full supply regardless of what I do so I need to simplify if I'm going to be able to continue our breastfeeding relationship at all.  It's already incredibly frustrating not to produce enough milk, I just can't deal with the demand of nursing and bottle feeding AND pumping around the clock.  I would rather spend that time snuggling my sleeping newborn than hooking myself up to a pump to try to slightly increase my sad milk supply.  

So anyway at this point we've decided to do a combination of breast- and formula-feeding to get the job done.  This was something that the LC and I talked about during our meeting - that unfortunately the reality may be that I may never make enough milk to provide for all of her nutritional needs, but that doesn't mean that our breastfeeding relationship has to end completely.  That doing a combination of breastmilk and formula is an option as well and for some women, this is just how it has to be and that's okay.  I'm really glad we had that discussion.  Some breastmilk is better than none and I still have some so I start by nursing Molly and then we give her a bottle of formula to finish it up.  For the most part this is going okay.  Molly still seems to be fine with taking both breast and bottle.  I have had a couple instances where I just couldn't get her to latch on.  I don't know if she was just too hungry or if it was nipple confusion or what, it's like she forgot what she was doing, but then the next time she latched just fine :shrug:  

The other problem has been that she's a snacker.  Feeding a newborn takes a good amount of time even when they're actively participating the whole time because you have to stop and burp them frequently and make sure that they don't over-indulge their tiny tummy (I'm talking about formula-feeding in this instance).  But Molly likes to take a little bit of food, then fall asleep for a cat nap, then wake and eat more, fall asleep... and so on.  It can easily take a few hours to get a single feeding completed.  She's especially sleepy at the breast (not surprising, I think this likely has to do with the slow flow of the milk.  I know it's comforting to her to nurse and added to that she's a sleepy eater anyway and on top of that because I have such a low supply the flow is even lower than it would be otherwise.  All of these things combine so that at least half the time I latch her on and she's asleep very soon thereafter and I have to work to keep her going so that she actually drains the milk from my breast as much as possible.  Lucky for me, it doesn't take all that long.   

So a combination of nursing and formula is the plan for now.  I do enjoy nursing her (it's become much more enjoyable the last day or two now that my nipples are doing better!  Before that it was like torture to nurse knowing that it wasn't even necessary considering my supply is crap and she's getting the vast majority of her nourishment from the formula.  It's still not a totally pain-free process, but I think we're over the hump and headed that direction!) and it makes me happy to know that she's at least getting some breastmilk and the benefits that go with it.  

It's hard to say how things will play out with my supply, or if she will continue to be content nursing from the breast when she knows that the instant gratification of a bottle is coming shortly, but for now we're just taking things one feeding at a time.  

Introducing Molly!

Molly Elise is here!

Well, she's been here actually :)  But I'm just now getting a chance to talk about her arrival nearly 2 weeks later!

Molly arrived via scheduled C-section at 10.21am on Wednesday, January 23rd weighing 8lbs 11oz and measuring 21 inches in length!

Everything went very smoothly and I have to say we had a much better experience with the C-section than last time and for that I'm very thankful.

We arrived at the hospital early in the morning on Wednesday and went through the checking in process.  I had slept surprisingly well the night before.  I was worried that I would be awake the whole night worrying and although I didn't sleep as soundly as usual I still got a decent night's sleep.

Waiting to meet Molly

I was worried that after we got to the hospital there would be a lot of waiting around.  We were scheduled to arrive at 8am and as long as we didn't get bumped by any emergency C-sections my surgery was supposed to start at 9.30am.  I thought with all that time in between there would be a lot of waiting, and I was sure we'd end up getting bumped which would cause more waiting and I just knew I would be worried and anxious the whole time.  Thankfully it wasn't like that at all.  They were pretty much doing things to get me ready for surgery the whole time so there wasn't a lot of down time and it kept me pretty distracted.  We didn't make it to the OR right at 9.30am because I think the previous surgery had run over, but it wasn't too much later.

Something that was really great about our experience this time around is that my midwife was there with us the majority of the time.  For my prenatal care I rotated between 3 midwives and my favorite one happened to be on call the day of my surgery, which was great!  I had hoped all along that she would be the one to attend Molly's birth and although it went differently than I had envisioned I still appreciated that she was the one who was able to be there.

Molly, minutes old, holding Daddy's finger

My midwife was with us before we went to the OR and she was also in the OR with us the whole time and then came back to recovery with us as well.  I found the best part about her being in the OR was she was able to be with me for the beginning stuff like when they placed the spinal block.  That is a scary process (to me at least!), and one that the support person isn't allowed to be present for, so it was really awesome to have her there for support.  She was the person who stood in front of me and helped to instruct me what to do, kept reminding me to relax and breathe, etc.  Very helpful and comforting to have a familiar presence there for that process.

We also had a great OB performing the surgery.  It should have been the OB that was with my practice that performed the surgery, but he happened to be out on vacation that week so he had a backup doctor acting in his place.  I had never met either OB so it was all the same to me.  The OB we had really had a great bedside manner, seemed to be on top of everything, and just seemed to really care more than my OB last time.

So anyway, after 2 attempts they finally got my spinal block in place (I guess my body just doesn't do well with spinal anesthesia between the 2 failed epidurals last time and then this.  It could be worse, but ugh... the whole process is very uncomfortable and unsettling.  I'd like to have to only do it once thankyouverymuch.  Not to mention, a huge difference I was worried about between last time and this time was that last time I was SO ready for the spinal block because I knew it would take the pain away.  This time I wasn't in any pain.  They had me walk down to the OR and hop up on the table myself and then I have to sit there while I know they're messing around with my spine.  Icky.  Obviously I knew it needed it, but I wasn't looking for instant gratification like last time, you know?) and got me settled on the table.  The OB brought me a warm blanket and the spinal block started to work instantly.  Before I even got laid down I was going numb and in a very short span of time I was numb from the chest down.  It's an incredibly weird feeling and not necessarily a good one, but it did the job so I'm thankful!

Skin-to-skin on the operating table

After that they brought Mark in and got to work.  It seemed like a very short time later that I was able to hear Molly's first cries!  They took her over to the little warming table and I was so surprised when I saw 8lbs 11oz pop up as her weight!  I was NOT expecting her to be that big!  Jack was born at 41 weeks, 1 day weighing 8lbs 2oz and I had been on IV fluids for an extended period of time before that which probably slightly inflated his weight.  Molly was born at 41 weeks, 2 days so I was guessing she would be slightly under 8lbs.  I was wrong!  She came out pleasantly plump with squeezable cheeks and arms and thighs!

Something else that made our experience better this time is instead of them wrapping baby up like a little burrito and putting a hat on just to bring them over for a brief snuggle against my cheek like last time they quickly did what they needed to do and minutes later brought Molly over to rest on my chest while they completed the surgery.  While we were still waiting to go back to the OR my midwife cleared it with everyone so that we could do the skin-to-skin.  The nurses seemed pretty excited about it and said they hadn't done that before.  It was a really great experience!

We hadn't decided on a middle name before Molly's birth.  We had narrowed it down to a short list of contenders, but nothing was really speaking to me.  As soon as they put Molly on my chest the name "Molly Elise" popped into my head.  Elise was on our short list, it wasn't at the top, but when it randomly popped into my head like that I decided it was meant to be!  We talked about it and sat on the decision as long as possible (we didn't fill out the birth certificate paperwork until the afternoon that we left the hospital) and then decided it was the right choice! 

Nursing for the first time

After they finished the surgery the OB told me that there was a lot of amniotic fluid (which was surprising to me because I always measured right on track throughout my pregnancy) and that's probably why Molly was able to flip so late.  He also said that she did have the cord wrapped around her neck.  While it's not unusual (or a problem in most situations, as long as it's handled properly at time of delivery) for a cord to be wrapped around the neck it could definitely have caused problems if we had somehow managed to attempt a version.

Once back in recovery we were able to keep the lights nice and low, get baby latched on for her first feeding, and do lots of skin-to-skin snuggling.  This was so much better than last time when Jack and I were separated for nearly 2 hours after he was born for "mandatory observation" even though there was nothing wrong with him.  Another benefit to our experience this time and probably the most important to me.   

After awhile we transitioned up to our postpartum room and got settled in.

Sweet baby snuggles!

I was feeling pretty good after the surgery.  I was able to get up and go to the bathroom at the 12 hour mark.  I think they had me up moving around at the same time last time, but I remember it being much more painful.  I think I may have had better medication this time because they added Morphine to my spinal block that gave 18 hours of pain relief.  I didn't have this last time.

Day 2 was probably the hardest, but I recall that being the same last time.  Overall, I think I felt better this time around.  Don't get me wrong, I was taking 2 different pain meds round the clock on a schedule and it was still extremely painful to move around, but I just felt better overall and I also seemed to get around a little better.  I also wanted to sit in a chair every so often, which I definitely did not do when I had Jack.  My recovery overall has seemed to go more quickly this time and I think it's likely because I didn't labor leading up to the surgery like I did with Jack.  Also, my OB gave me a compression wrap to wear around my torso and OMG!  I wish I had known about this last time!  It was really helpful to keep things in place and provide just a little bit of pressure to help with the pain.  Last time they had me holding a pillow to my tummy when I moved around and this is essentially the same idea, but so much better!  WHY didn't they do this last time?!

Molly meeting big brother Jack and cousin Kylie

We stayed 2 nights at the hospital and then I requested to be released.  We had assumed we would only be there 2 nights, but I guess the first day when you have the surgery doesn't actually count so I was supposed to stay at least 3 nights.  I was ready to go home though.  Those hospital beds are SO uncomfortable (it hurt my butt and it's not like I could lay on my side or tummy!) and Mark's accommodations were worse than mine.  I knew that we would both be far more comfortable at home!  So, after talking things over with my doctor, they released us Friday evening.

We're settled at home now and every day is a little easier.  I definitely turned a corner and started feeling like myself right around the 1 week mark.  It took more like 2 weeks last time.  Molly is doing wonderfully and has been a dream baby so far.  I'm slowly starting to feel more like myself, just looking forward to the day when I'm totally pain free and can start getting back to living life more normally!